Anticlimactic Retailing

September has arisen the beginning of a new chapter in my life. After months of slobbing my lackadaisical body onto a sofa which had shaped the dent of my ever-existing presence, I tackled the odds and fought for a job.

Well, by 'fought', I ultimately mean blagging a patronising interview process in which I expressed my ''undying'' passion in the world of retail. I'd like to say I'm a reliable source on judging the difficulty of work, but I'm not. I'm a self-confessed procrastinator whose furthest occupational experience was clock-watching in a run down radio station. Despite my inexperience, two dreary weeks in the store has educated me on the tediousness and frustrations of working in retail.

It's easy to be fooled by the cutely worded job description; enlightening candidates on the unmissable thrills of being a sales adviser. A crucial factor to ponder is, what is a sales adviser? Nobody can be faulted for optimistically assuming the best; would it be using fashion knowledge to style customers? Suggesting fresh ideas to improve sales and boost revenue?
No.
To put it bluntly, you stack shelves and print receipts.

In hindsight, all sounds perfectly bearable, but enduring a 10 hour shift is almost as brain-numbing as a 30 minute showing of 'TOWIE'. OK, that was a little harsh.
The nightmare begins the moment you enter the store, glancing sickeningly at the surely robotic enthusiasts who thrive off working in such an atmosphere. Uncomfortably passing managers who stroll through the floors with a tightly strapped chip on their shoulder, shielded with a horizon of arrogance glowing from their very punchable face. It's infuriating witnessing these idiots parading the store with a sense of authority, which the cowardly employees seem to aspire to. Don't get me wrong, a minority of workers are worthy of respect, but the rest are either egotistic twats or kiss-arses with no backbone.

I'm a worryingly relaxed individual when it comes to tasks, I don't tend to worry about failure. These employees however are the opposite, they're statistic-obsessed human beings who shudder around chanting numbers and orders in an uncontrolled flurry of fear. The pressure and intensity of these orders sends an awkward air throughout the store, leaving me pleading to a non-existent religious figure for each tormenting minute to accelerate.

I'd spend time informing you on the disgusting mannerisms of customers, but I'd miss next weekend's shift. Flash clothing seems to attract the snobbiest of people, evidently to camouflage their gruesome personalities in expensive designer-wear. You're approached as a peasant, of course these upper class superstars are far superior to workers on a £5 hourly rate. With a downgrading sneer they'll reluctantly converse with you. ''Where are the burgundy cardigans?'' My knowledge on the whereabouts of products is minimal, therefore I politely explain the situation and redirect them to another peasant of staff. She'll tut, mutter under her royal breath and storm away. Preventing myself from wedging numerous coat-hangers into her eyeballs is equally as difficult as keeping my fists unclenched.

There's little consolation to the attitude of people surrounding you, unless of course you enjoy being spoken to degradingly whilst placing trousers onto racks. Exhilarating. The store is often mistaken for an Ethiopian village with the inability to invest in a fan, and the irritating pop songs are no reassurance that an anti-depressant overdose is unnecessary.

Work at Sainsburys. 



I hope my boss doesn't see this...

Why Andy Carroll Should Lead England's Euro 2012 Front Line

With less than a month to spare until England kick start their eighth attempt at lifting the coveted European Championship trophy, the man in the spotlight Roy Hodgson has several key decisions to master in order for the Three Lions to stand even a remote chance of tasting success in Poland and Ukraine.

The greatest managers to grace the footballing world are ones who are willing to take risks in order to bathe in success, it's a trait which separates Alf Ramsey from Steve McClaren. Ramsey's devilish demeanor led to an eventual fortuity at the 1966 World Cup, an England side blossoming with flair and arrogance terrorised the giants of Portugal and West Germany with notably a less powerful squad. When casting our mind back to the glory days of almost fifty years ago, a significant amount of similarities between the squad of then and now are identifiable. England enter Euro 2012 with a team which can only be described as mediocre. Roy Hodgson's squad choices aren't fantastic, in fact they're petering into the category of average with their unimpressive performances in recent major competitions. The 2010 World Cup display was widely publicised as a nightmare, and as for Euro 2008, we failed to even qualify for the competition, largely due to a twerp under an umbrella. Ultimately, for Roy Hodgson to emulate the hero status of the likes of Alf Ramsey, he must take risks and avoid the death wish of playing safe.

Carroll is beginning to live up to his hefty price tag

With England's talisman Wayne Rooney suspended for the opening two matches of the campaign, Hodgson's largest dilemma is who to assign the role of centre forward to. Roy has the option of playing one man up top, or selecting a pair of strikers to link up and hunt for the back of the net. A pain which curses the back of my mind is Hodgson's possible decision to include QPR lump Bobby Zamora in his 23 man outfit, Roy has always been a fan of the striker and has worked with him at clubs in the past. If Zamora is chosen to travel to the championships then I certainly wont be watching, probably because I'd have wedged a knife down my throat in hearing the news of his inclusion.

An interesting dark horse for a place on the plane to Ukraine is Liverpool's number nine Andy Carroll. The big man has endured an extremely difficult eighteen months at Anfield, his hefty price tag has led to a non-existent run of form due to a significant lack of confidence which can also be labeled at the man who wore Carroll's jersey up until a £50m move to Chelsea. At times people could have mistaken the Geordie's £35million status for £35.50 with his performances lacking impact and desire, but over the last month Andy Carroll has shown numerous glimpses of class, most notably in the second half of Liverpool's FA Cup heartbreak and in the midweek Premier League fixture against Chelsea.

Liverpool's target man celebrating his last gasp FA Cup semi final winner

In the opening 45 minutes of the cup final, Liverpool looked lost in attack with Luis Suarez an isolated figure. The reds found themselves in wide areas a sickening amount of times but they chose not to deliver the ball into the box as the Uruguayan would be unable to compete in the air with the likes of John Terry and Branislav Ivanovic. Kenny Dalglish was enduring a tactical horror show, and midway through the second half he made the decision to introduce his number nine into the match. Never have I seen a substitute make a bigger impact in an FA Cup final. Carroll won every single areal duel, he scored a goal with nifty footwork to tug the game back in the balance, and was agonisingly close to leveling the match with a header in the dying minutes which was saved emphatically by Petr Cech. The 6'3 presence carried his momentum into the midweek match at Anfield and he supplied a world class, man of match performance to lead Liverpool to arguably their best 90 minutes of a torrid season.

When Andy Carroll is in form, he is any defenders nightmare. The forward will win the header every single time, whether it's striking the back of the net or creating chances for his teammates. His existence on the pitch will allow England a route to goal, whether that route will be Hodgson's plan A or B, his devastating strength and aggression will terrorise centre backs at any point of the match.  The thought of an in form Carroll linking up with Steven Gerrard and latching onto Ashley Young crosses is enough to make any England fan's mouth water, and any opposition fans tremble with anxiety. There is no doubt that selecting the powerhouse is a risk, but with Andy Carroll in a delicate run of form, he a risk perfectly worth taking.

If Hodgson plants Carroll at the front line of the Three Lions attack and devises a strategy which supplements his strengths, the likes of Spain and Italy wont be fearing the prospect of Wayne Rooney, they'll be trembling in the presence of Big Andy.